Aphrodisiacs for women: what really turns her on

Quick question. When did you last feel properly turned on, the kind where your whole body leans in? If you have to think hard, you are in good company. Low desire is one of the most common things women bring to sex therapists, and it is rarely because something is broken.

An aphrodisiac is anything that raises desire, arousal or pleasure. For centuries the lists were written by men, for men, and were stuffed with oysters, spices and dodgy potions. Aphrodisiacs for women got far less attention, as if female lust were a mystery nobody could be bothered to solve.

Modern sex research is more fun and more useful. For lots of women, desire is not an on switch. It works more like a dimmer, turned up or down by mood, body image, tiredness, hormones, the relationship and the room you are in. So the strongest aphrodisiacs for women are often things you do, not things you swallow.

Researchers talk about two styles of desire. Spontaneous desire is the sudden, out-of-the-blue craving that films love. Responsive desire shows up once things have started: a deep kiss, hands on your hips, a filthy text in the middle of the afternoon. Many women, and plenty of men, run mostly on responsive desire, especially in long-term relationships.

That is completely normal. The Canadian physician Rosemary Basson helped change medical thinking in the early 2000s by showing that for many women, arousal comes first and wanting follows. In plain words, you might not feel like sex until you are already a few minutes into making out.

Sex educators also use the accelerator and brake idea, from the dual control model developed at the Kinsey Institute. Accelerators turn you on. Brakes turn you off: stress, pain, feeling judged, worrying the kids will hear. Taking your foot off the brake is often hotter than pressing harder on the gas.

Straight answer: no single natural aphrodisiac for women has strong, large-scale proof. Most of the research is small, short and sometimes paid for by the people selling the product. Still, a handful of plants keep turning up with modest, encouraging results.

• Maca: a Peruvian root with small trials showing a lift in desire, including in women with sexual side effects from antidepressants.
• Saffron: small trials, mostly from Iran, suggest it may help arousal and wetness in women on certain antidepressants.
• Tribulus terrestris: a few studies in women with low desire report improvement, though quality is mixed.
• Ginkgo biloba: inconsistent results, and it can thin the blood.
• Korean red ginseng: a small trial in menopausal women reported better arousal scores.

If you want to try one, pick a single product from a reputable brand and give it six to eight weeks. Keep a quick note of how horny you feel each week. Taking five supplements at once makes it impossible to tell what is doing the work, and it raises the risk of side effects.

Herbal aphrodisiacs for women can still interact with real medicines. Ginkgo and blood thinners are a poor mix, and St John's wort, often sold for mood, can make the contraceptive pill less effective. That is the opposite of a sexy surprise. A two-minute chat with a pharmacist is the cheapest insurance you will ever buy.

Let us be clear about food. No meal will make you wet on command. But foods that turn women on can still earn their place, because eating is sensual. Taste, texture, warmth and the slow, flirty pace of a shared meal all help your body shift out of work mode and into play.

Dark chocolate gives a lovely mood lift. Chilli warms you up and gets your pulse going, which feels a lot like excitement. Strawberries, figs and oysters are messy, juicy and fun to feed each other. Saffron in a rice dish brings the herb above into a meal. Keep the portions light, because a heavy dinner makes most people want a nap, not a ride.

Alcohol is the tricky one. A glass of wine can loosen you up, but more than that tends to dull sensation and make orgasm harder to reach. If you want the flirty buzz without the numbness, stop at one and drink water too.

Want to try it tonight? Cook something with your hands, eat it slowly, and leave dessert for the bedroom. A bowl of strawberries and melted dark chocolate is cheap, silly and surprisingly hot. The point is not the ingredients. The point is slowing down enough to notice your body, which is what the best aphrodisiacs for women have in common.

If you are wondering how to increase female libido, start with sleep. When you are wiped out, desire is the first thing your body cuts. Research has linked longer, better sleep with higher next-day desire in women. An early night is a deeply unsexy tip that works very well.

Stress is the next big brake. A mind full of emails and shopping lists cannot tune into a tongue on your neck. High cortisol can dampen arousal, and that is biology, not a flaw. Share the chores, leave the phone in another room, and give yourself twenty minutes to land before anyone touches you.

Then feed the accelerators on purpose. Read some erotica. Flirt over text during the day. Wear the underwear that makes you feel good, even if nobody sees it. Touch yourself so you know exactly what you like. Women who masturbate tend to know their own pleasure maps, and that confidence travels into partnered sex.

Movement helps too. Regular exercise improves blood flow to the pelvis and lifts mood, and some studies have found women respond more strongly to erotic material shortly after a workout. A brisk walk together before a night in is a sneaky, healthy form of foreplay.

For most women, arousal builds through the whole body before it gathers between the legs. Slow, unhurried touch on the back, neck, inner thighs and breasts gives your body time to warm up, swell and get wet. Rushing straight to penetration is one of the most common reasons sex feels flat.

The clit is the star. It has thousands of nerve endings, and most women need direct clitoral stimulation to come. Penetration alone does it for only a minority. So if your partner goes down on you, uses their fingers or brings a vibrator into the mix, that is not a side dish. For many women, that is the main course.

Try this tonight: agree on twenty minutes of kissing and touching with no expectation of sex. No goal, no finish line. Oddly enough, once touch stops being a test, desire often turns up on its own. A partner who asks, listens and takes a no gracefully is one of the strongest turn-ons there is, whoever you are sleeping with.

Hormones do play a part, though not always how people expect. Some women notice lower desire on hormonal contraception, while others feel freer because the pregnancy worry has gone. If you suspect your pill has flattened your sex drive, ask your clinic about other options rather than just putting up with it.

Around perimenopause and menopause, falling oestrogen can cause dryness, thinner vaginal tissue and pain during sex. Pain is a massive brake. Vaginal oestrogen, a good moisturiser and plenty of lube can change everything, and they are often underused.

Some postmenopausal women with low desire that bothers them are offered testosterone by a specialist. In the UK it is prescribed off-label after a proper assessment. It is not a quick fix and needs monitoring, but for the right woman it can bring the spark back.

Whatever stage of life you are at, lube is one of the most underrated aphrodisiacs for women. Wetness does not always match desire, and a slick, comfortable feeling lets you relax into pleasure instead of bracing against friction.

Not really, at least not the way people imagine. Viagra helps blood flow to the penis. It does not create desire, and trials in women generally have not shown much benefit for low libido. So the idea of a female Viagra you pop before date night is mostly marketing.

Two medicines are approved in the US for low desire in premenopausal women: flibanserin, a daily tablet that acts on brain chemicals, and bremelanotide, an injection used before sex. Both have modest effects and side effects such as nausea or dizziness. Neither is widely available in the UK.

A doctor can tell you whether medicine makes sense. Often the first step is ruling out pain, depression, thyroid problems or medication side effects, which all lower desire and are very treatable in their own right.

Walk into any sex shop and you will see a female libido booster in every colour. Most are arousal gels, oils or supplement blends. Gels that warm or tingle can be fun and add novelty to foreplay, but they work on sensation, not desire. Patch test on your inner arm first, and stop if anything stings, because vulval skin reacts easily to menthol and fragrance.

Most so-called aphrodisiacs for women sold online make big promises on tiny evidence. If the label shouts about instant results or a secret ancient formula, keep your money in your purse.

With supplements, check the full ingredient list and avoid anything with a vague proprietary blend. A few common mistakes keep the brakes pressed down:

• Blaming yourself for not feeling spontaneous desire.
• Having sex you do not want just to keep the peace.
• Stacking several supplements with unclear ingredients.
• Ignoring pain or dryness and hoping it passes.
• Avoiding the conversation because it feels awkward.

If low desire bothers you, has lasted months or is causing tension, see a GP, a women's health doctor or a psychosexual therapist. You do not need a dramatic reason. Feeling unhappy about it is reason enough.

Bring a short list of what has changed, when it started and any medicines you take. Low desire can be linked to depression, anaemia, thyroid problems, pain or relationship stress, and a good doctor will look at all of it rather than just handing you a leaflet.

Sex therapy is more practical and more playful than many people expect. It often involves homework like structured touching exercises that take the pressure off and help you rediscover what feels good. Many couples find it brings them closer outside the bedroom too.

Desire changes across a lifetime. A quiet phase is not the end of your sex life. With rest, curiosity and a partner who is genuinely into your pleasure, it can come back hotter and more relaxed than before.