Hot foreplay tips to turn your partner on

Arousal isn't a switch. When you start getting turned on, blood rushes to the genitals, the clit and labia swell, the vagina gets wetter and longer, and the penis gets hard. Nipples perk up, breathing speeds up and skin gets more sensitive. All of that takes time, and foreplay is what gives your body that time.

Skip the warm-up and sex can feel dry, rushed or even sore. Take your time and everything feels more intense. This matters especially for people with a vulva. In a large 2018 US survey led by Debby Herbenick, only around 18 percent of women said intercourse alone was enough for them to orgasm. Most needed clitoral touch, and that's exactly what good foreplay delivers. So think of the warm-up as part of sex, not a delay before it. Sometimes it is the sex, and that's a perfectly great night.

Foreplay also helps the mind catch up with the body. Stress, worries and a busy head are huge turn-offs, and slow touch gives you time to switch off and tune in. Many people find that once they're relaxed, desire shows up much more easily, even if they weren't in the mood at the start.

There's no stopwatch answer to how long should foreplay last, but most people want more than they're getting. Many people with a vulva need 15 to 20 minutes or more to be fully aroused, and that can change a lot depending on stress, tiredness, your cycle and how into it you are that day. A better question is whether you're both properly turned on. Look for signs: deeper breathing, flushed skin, wetness, a hard erection, hips pushing towards your touch, and of course the words yes, more and please. When you're both desperate, you're ready. If not, keep going.

Also remember foreplay can start long before the bedroom. A flirty text at lunch, a lingering kiss in the kitchen, or a whispered promise of what's coming later all build heat for hours. If one of you gets turned on quicker, the faster partner can focus on giving rather than receiving for a while. That evens out the timing and means you're both properly ready together.

These simple foreplay tips work for almost everyone, whatever your bodies or genders. The secret is slowing down and paying attention.

• Tease first: touch everywhere except the genitals for as long as you can stand it.
• Kiss more than you think you need to: neck, ears, inner thighs, the small of the back.
• Use your breath: warm breath on the skin is wildly underrated.
• Ask out loud: do you like that, harder or softer, here or here?
• Go slow, then slower: speeding up feels better when you've held back.
• Mix sensations: fingertips, nails, lips, tongue, ice or a silk scarf.

The single best tip is to watch your partner's reactions. Breathing, moans and how their body moves will tell you more than any guide.

Stuck in a rut? Here are foreplay ideas to spice things up. Start with a sensual massage with warm oil, working slowly from the shoulders down and only touching the genitals at the very end. Or try a make-out session with clothes on, grinding against each other like teenagers, with a strict rule that nothing comes off for ten minutes. Blindfolds turn any touch into a surprise. Lie your partner back, cover their eyes and take turns kissing, licking and stroking somewhere unexpected. Dirty talk works brilliantly too. Tell them exactly what you're going to do to them, then make them wait.

Undress each other slowly. Shower together. Watch something sexy side by side. Use a vibrator on them while you kiss their neck. Write a few ideas on bits of paper and pull one from a jar. Novelty is a huge turn-on. Temperature play is another easy win. Sip something cold, then kiss your partner's neck, or warm massage oil between your palms before you touch. Contrast wakes up the skin and makes every stroke feel sharper.

Searching how to turn her on? Start outside the bedroom. Feeling relaxed, wanted and listened to makes a huge difference for many women. Flirt during the day, help clear the dishes, and let the anticipation build. Stress kills desire, so taking some of it away is genuinely sexy. In bed, go slow. Kiss her properly, stroke her neck, back and thighs, and work closer to her vulva without touching it straight away. When you get there, start gentle and indirect, circling around the clit or over her underwear. Most women prefer soft, steady, rhythmic touch to fast or rough rubbing, especially early on.

Then ask what she likes and believe her answer. Every woman is different. Some love firm pressure, some like the clitoral hood stroked side to side, and some want a vibrator. Keep the rhythm steady when she says it's good. Changing things right when she's getting close is the classic mistake. Don't ignore the rest of her body either. Nipples, neck, ears and inner thighs can be incredibly sensitive, and building arousal everywhere makes clitoral touch feel even better when it finally comes.

Foreplay for him matters just as much, even if men are often expected to be hard and ready at once. Being teased, touched and wanted is a huge turn-on, and plenty of men love slow build-up as much as anyone. Erections also respond to relaxation, so a calm, playful start can help.

Kiss his neck and chest, run your nails down his back and inner thighs, and tease around his penis before touching it directly. Pay attention to the balls, the perineum, which is the patch of skin behind the balls, and the frenulum, the sensitive spot under the head. Use plenty of lube when using your hand, and vary pressure and speed. Don't forget words. Telling him how hard he's making you, or what you want him to do, can be as arousing as any touch. Many men rarely hear how desirable they are.

Try slowing him down too. Edging, where you bring him close to orgasm then ease off before starting again, can make the final build-up much more intense. Agree on a signal so he can tell you when he's near.

It can be, and for many people it's the highlight. Going down on your partner gives direct, wet, soft stimulation that's hard to match. For people with a vulva, oral sex is one of the most reliable ways to orgasm, and research by David Frederick and colleagues in 2018 found women who orgasmed more often were more likely to receive oral sex. Take your time. Kiss the inner thighs first, use a flat, soft tongue and keep a steady rhythm on the clit once your partner is enjoying it. For a penis, combine your mouth with a lubed hand at the base, and keep teeth out of the way.

Oral sex can pass on infections, including herpes, gonorrhoea and syphilis, so condoms or dental dams make sense with new partners.

The biggest mistake is rushing. Going straight for the genitals, or treating the warm-up as a few seconds of fumbling before penetration, rarely feels good. The second is too much pressure too soon. Sensitive areas, especially the clit, often need a gentle start. Other mood killers include doing the same thing every single time, staying silent when you could check in, and changing technique just as your partner gets close. Forgetting lube is another. Even when you're very turned on, extra wetness usually makes everything feel better.

Finally, don't make orgasm the only goal. Pressure to perform makes it harder for people to relax and enjoy themselves. Treat the warm-up as play, not a task with a deadline, and the orgasms tend to follow. If you're not sure what your partner wants, ask during a calm moment outside the bedroom. Show and tell works too: watch each other touch yourselves and learn exactly what works.

Long-term couples often cut corners because they know what works. That's fine sometimes, but it can drain the excitement. Try a night where foreplay is the whole plan, with no pressure to have sex at all. Taking penetration off the table can make everything else feel thrillingly naughty again. Swap roles. If one of you usually starts things, let the other lead. Ask each other about fantasies, or share a list of things you'd like to try and tick the ones you both fancy. A new toy, new lingerie or simply a different room can reset the mood.

Most of all, keep flirting. Couples who still kiss properly, touch in passing and tease each other during the day tend to find desire much easier to spark at night. Schedule it if you have to. Booking a night in sounds unsexy, but it builds anticipation, and knowing it's coming gives you all day to tease each other.

Words are some of the most powerful turn-ons there are, and they work before you've even touched. Start small. Tell your partner what you love about their body, what you were thinking about earlier, or what you'd like to do later. A text in the afternoon saying I can't stop thinking about tonight can keep someone turned on for hours.

In bed, describe what you're feeling and what you want. You're so wet. You feel so hard. Don't stop. Simple, honest phrases tend to land better than scripted lines. If you feel shy, start by moaning more and saying yes when something feels good. That alone gives your partner brilliant feedback. Agree on words you both like, and any you'd rather avoid. Some people love filthy language, others prefer it sweet and romantic. There's no wrong style, as long as you're both into it.