Low libido? Why it happens and how to get it back

There's no correct amount of horny. Some people want sex every day, others are happy with once a month, and some feel little sexual desire at all and are perfectly content. Low libido only becomes a problem when it bothers you, or when it creates distance and hurt with a partner.

Desire also changes over a lifetime. New relationships bring a rush that usually settles after a year or two. Pregnancy, small children, illness, grief, work pressure and ageing all shape how much you want sex. A quiet phase isn't a permanent verdict on your sex life.

And you're in very ordinary company. Surveys in the UK and elsewhere consistently find that a large share of adults, especially women and people in long relationships, go through stretches of low interest in sex.

So before you decide something is wrong, ask a simpler question. Is this low libido actually bothering you, or is it mostly the pressure of thinking you should want more? If it's the second, the fix may be letting go of other people's numbers and focusing on what feels good for you.

Low libido rarely has a single cause. It's usually a pile-up of small things that each press the brakes a little. The most common culprits are:

• stress, exhaustion and not enough sleep
• depression and anxiety
• relationship resentment or unresolved rows
• medicines, especially some antidepressants and hormonal contraception
• hormone changes after childbirth, during menopause or with low testosterone
• pain during sex, or sex that just isn't very good

That last one matters more than people admit. If sex is rushed, routine or uncomfortable, your brain quite sensibly stops asking for it. Wanting more of something usually means it has to be worth wanting.

Body image can be a quiet brake as well. If you feel self-conscious about your belly, your scars or how you look naked, it's hard to relax enough to get turned on. Dimmer lights, a favourite outfit or simply staying partly dressed can help you feel sexier while you rebuild confidence.

Health conditions play a part too. Thyroid problems, diabetes, high blood pressure and heavy drinking can all dampen desire, which is why a sudden drop is worth mentioning to your GP.

One of the most freeing ideas from sex research is that desire comes in two flavours. Spontaneous desire is the out-of-nowhere urge most of us picture. Responsive desire shows up after things get going, once you're being kissed, touched or teased. The Canadian physician Rosemary Basson described this pattern in women around 2000, and it applies to plenty of men too.

Responsive desire is completely normal, and it often becomes the main type in long relationships once novelty fades. So if you rarely feel the urge out of the blue but enjoy yourself once you get started, you might not have low libido at all.

Knowing this takes a lot of guilt out of the picture. Instead of waiting to feel turned on before starting anything, try relaxed touch and see whether the want follows. If it does, lovely. If it doesn't, stopping should be easy and sulk-free.

Low sex drive in women is often tangled up with the mental load. If your head is full of school runs, work emails and what's for dinner, there's not much room left for feeling sexy. Many women say desire comes back when they feel genuinely rested, appreciated and not on duty.

Hormones matter too. After childbirth, while breastfeeding and around menopause, falling oestrogen can bring dryness and soreness, and nobody stays keen on sex that hurts. Lubricant, vaginal oestrogen or HRT can make a big difference here, so don't just put up with it.

And sometimes it's simply that the sex doesn't include enough of what actually gets you off. Most women need clit stimulation to come. If that's been missing, adding it might be the most powerful libido booster there is.

Try exploring together. Show your partner how you like to be touched, guide their hand, or bring a small vibrator into bed. When sex reliably ends in a great orgasm for you, your brain starts looking forward to it again, and that anticipation is what desire is made of.

Low sex drive in men is still a bit of a taboo, because of the myth that guys are always up for it. They aren't. Stress, depression, long hours, heavy drinking and porn habits that leave real sex feeling flat can all switch desire off.

Erection worries make it worse. If you've lost your hard-on once or twice, it's easy to start avoiding sex to dodge the embarrassment, and avoidance soon looks like low desire. Treating the erection problem often brings the appetite back.

Low testosterone is worth checking if your drive has faded alongside tiredness, low mood or weaker morning erections. A morning blood test with your GP will tell you. For many men, though, the fix is more sleep, less stress and more fun in bed.

If porn has become your main outlet, try taking a break for a few weeks and see what happens. Some men find real-life arousal sharpens up when they stop relying on endless novelty on a screen. Spend that energy on slower solo sex or on your partner instead.

Researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen at the Kinsey Institute described arousal as a balance between an accelerator and a brakes system. The accelerator notices things that turn you on. The brakes notice reasons not to be, like stress, body worries, fear of being overheard or a partner who left the washing-up again.

Many people with low libido have a perfectly decent accelerator and a very sensitive set of brakes. Pressing harder on the gas won't help much if the brakes are slammed on. Easing the brakes often works better.

Easing the brakes can be surprisingly simple. Lock the door. Warm the room. Agree that tonight is about kissing and touching, with no expectation of sex. When the pressure lifts, many people find their accelerator quietly kicks back in.

Try writing two short lists, one of things that turn you on and one of things that switch you off. Share them with a partner if you fancy it. You might find the off-switches are things like a messy bedroom or feeling rushed, which you can actually change.

Start with the boring basics, because they work. Sleep is a genuine aphrodisiac. Exercise boosts mood, body confidence and blood flow. Cutting back on alcohol helps both desire and erections.

Then make room for pleasure without pressure. Schedule time together that's about touch, not performance. Kiss properly again. Try a sensual massage with a rule that nobody gets naked until both of you want to. Anticipation is a turn-on all by itself.

Novelty helps too. New places, new positions, a sexy text in the middle of the day or a toy you've never tried can wake up a sleepy sex drive. You don't need to swing from the chandelier. Just break the routine.

Solo sex counts too. Masturbation helps you learn what turns you on now, which may be different from what worked five years ago. Take your time, try a vibrator or a new kind of touch, and notice what makes you wet or hard. Then share what you've learned.

The supplement aisle is packed with libido booster pills, but most have little good evidence behind them. A few herbs, such as maca, ashwagandha and ginseng, have small studies suggesting a modest effect on desire or sexual wellbeing. Results vary and product quality is patchy.

Be very careful with pills sold online that promise instant results. Some have been found to contain hidden prescription drugs, which can be dangerous with heart medicines or blood pressure tablets.

If a medicine you take is killing your sex drive, the best booster may be a different prescription. Ask your doctor about alternatives before giving up on sex or your treatment.

Food and drink get a lot of hype as aphrodisiacs, from oysters to dark chocolate. There's little proof they work chemically, but a delicious meal, a glass of wine and a sexy evening built around them can still put you in the mood. Just keep the drinking light, because too much alcohol is a proper libido killer.

Mismatched desire is one of the most common reasons couples end up in therapy. One person feels rejected, the other feels pressured, and soon nobody is having any fun. Talking about it early and kindly stops that cycle before it sets in.

Pick a calm moment outside the bedroom. Use 'I' statements, like 'I miss feeling close to you', rather than 'You never want sex any more'. Ask what would make sex more appealing for them, and really listen to the answer. It might be more foreplay, more sleep, more help at home or simply more fun.

Agree on ways to stay connected that don't always end in sex. Cuddling, making out, showering together and flirting by text all keep the spark alive. Funnily enough, taking sex off the table for a while is often what makes people start wanting it again.

If low libido is upsetting you, or desire has dropped suddenly, see your GP. They can check for medical causes, look at your medicines and refer you on if needed. You don't have to wait until it's a crisis.

A sex therapist can be brilliant too, especially when desire differences are causing rows. In the UK you can find accredited therapists through the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists. Sessions are practical, frank and far less awkward than people fear.

Most of all, be kind to yourself and each other. Pressure is the fastest way to kill desire. Curiosity, play and a bit of patience are the fastest way to get it back.