How to talk about sex with your partner, plus dirty talk

You can share a bed, a bathroom and a bank account with someone and still go bright red asking them to touch you a bit slower. That's normal. Most of us were never taught how. School sex education, if you had any, covered plumbing and risk, not pleasure or how to ask for it. Plenty of people grew up in homes where sex was either a joke or a silence.

There's also a lot riding on it emotionally. Saying 'I'd love something different' can sound like 'you're not good enough', even when it isn't meant that way. Fear of hurting someone, or of being judged for what makes you horny, keeps lots of couples quiet for years.

The good news is that this is a skill, not a personality trait. Nobody is born fluent. Learning how to talk about sex with your partner gets easier every time you do it, and the first awkward chat is nearly always the hardest one you'll ever have.

Pick your moment. The worst time to raise something is mid-sex or straight afterwards, when you're both naked and vulnerable. A walk, a long drive or a lazy Sunday on the sofa works far better. Side by side feels less intense than face to face, which is why so many good sex talks happen in the car.

Lead with what you love. 'I get so turned on when you kiss my neck' lands far better than 'you never kiss my neck'. Then add one wish, framed as an invitation: 'I've been thinking it could be hot if you went slower and teased me more.' One request at a time is plenty.

If you're nervous, say so. 'This feels a bit awkward, but I really want our sex life to be amazing for both of us' is disarming and honest. It tells your partner the chat comes from desire, not dissatisfaction. Most people relax the moment they hear that, and some will admit they've been wanting the same conversation for ages.

Then ask a real question back and actually listen. 'What's something you've always wanted to try?' gives your partner room to share too. If you want to talk about sex with your partner and not have it feel like a performance review, make it a swap, not a complaint.

If the words keep sticking in your throat, borrow some. These lines are gentle, specific and hard to take the wrong way. Say them over coffee, over text or in bed when things are already going well.

• 'I love it when you... can we do more of that?'
• 'I've been fantasising about trying...'
• 'What's something you've always been curious about?'
• 'Can you show me exactly how you like it?'
• 'That felt amazing, do it again'
• 'Can we go a bit slower? I want to make this last.'

Notice that none of them blame anyone. They're all about pleasure and possibility. You can also text something you're too shy to say out loud, then talk about it later. Writing first takes the pressure off and gives you both time to think.

A yes, no, maybe list is a long list of sex acts, kinks and scenarios that each of you marks privately: yes, I'm keen; no, not for me; maybe, I'm curious with the right conditions. Then you compare. Free versions are easy to find online, or you can write your own.

It works because it removes the scariest part of sexual communication: being the first to say a desire out loud. You only discuss the things you've both marked yes or maybe, so nobody gets put on the spot about a hard no. People are often amazed at what they have in common.

Make it playful. Fill your lists in separately with a glass of wine, then swap and read them in bed. Pick one shared yes to try that week. Talking through a maybe can be just as hot as doing it: what would make it feel safe, what would make it exciting, what would you want to hear while you try it?

Treat the result as a menu, not a contract. A yes today can be a no next month, and that's fine. Redo the list every year or so, because what turns you on changes over time, and comparing notes is a pretty sexy evening in its own right.

Dirty talk is simply saying sexy things out loud before, during or after sex. It can be sweet, filthy, bossy or breathless. At its simplest it's narrating what feels good. At its boldest it's describing exactly what you want to do to someone and how wet or hard they're making you.

Why does it work? Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Words build anticipation, and anticipation is a huge part of arousal. Hearing that you're wanted is a powerful turn-on, and dirty talk gives your partner live feedback, so they learn what you love in real time instead of guessing.

It's also a form of sexual communication that sneaks in practical information. 'Don't stop, right there' is both hot and incredibly useful. Once you've learned how to talk about sex with your partner calmly, dirty talk is the fun, flirty version of the same skill.

Start small. You don't need a porn script. Sounds count: moaning, breathing harder and saying 'yes' are dirty talk, and they tell your partner they're doing it right. From there, say one simple sentence about what you feel: 'That feels so good.' That's it. You've started.

Next, try describing. Tell your partner what they're doing and how it affects you: 'I love the way you grind against me.' Then move on to asking: 'Faster.' 'Harder.' 'Go down on me.' Short commands feel surprisingly natural once you're turned on, and most partners find them very hot.

Texting is a brilliant training ground, and an easy way to talk about sex with your partner when saying it face to face feels too much. Sending a flirty message is easier than saying it to someone's face, and it builds delicious anticipation. Try 'I can't stop thinking about what I want to do to you later' and see what comes back. If your partner replies in kind, you've got your answer.

Agree on your words beforehand, because some people love crude language and others prefer it sensual. Talk about which words for body parts you both like. And laugh if you fumble a line. Giggling in bed together is intimate, and it means you'll try again.

Here are dirty talk examples sorted by heat level, so you can pick what fits your mood and your partner. Start mild, see how it lands, then turn it up. Say them slowly, close to their ear, and mean them.

• 'You look so good I can't stop staring at you.'
• 'I've been thinking about you all day.'
• 'I love how you taste.'
• 'Kiss me like you mean it.'
• 'I want to feel your hands everywhere.'

If those feel comfortable, try a few teasing texts to send when you're apart. They're perfect for building tension during the day so you both arrive home already turned on:

• 'Can't stop thinking about last night.'
• 'Guess what I'm not wearing.'
• 'I want you the second you walk through the door.'
• 'Tonight I'm going to take my time with you.'

Turning it up a notch, these lines tell your partner exactly what you're craving. They're confident without being graphic, and they work brilliantly whispered at the start of foreplay or sent as a teasing text an hour before you see each other.

• 'I'm so turned on right now.'
• 'You make me so wet.' or 'You make me so hard.'
• 'I want you on top. Ride me.'
• 'Tell me what you want me to do to you.'
• 'Take your time. I want to come slowly.'
• 'Don't stop. Right there.'

During sex, keep it simple and reactive. Long speeches are hard to deliver when you're breathless. Reacting to what's happening is easier and sounds more genuine. Say their name. Say what you feel. Tell them when you're close so they don't change rhythm at the worst possible moment.

• 'I love watching you.'
• 'You feel incredible.'
• 'Harder... yes, like that.'
• 'I'm going to come.'
• 'Come for me.'

Bossy or submissive dirty talk can be a fun next step if you've both said yes to it. Some people love giving instructions like 'get on your knees' or 'don't you dare come yet', while others love hearing them. Agree limits first, keep checking in and remember a safe word applies to words as well as acts.

Afterwards, a bit of praise goes a long way. 'That was so hot' or 'I loved it when you...' tells your partner what to repeat, and makes them feel brilliant. Teasing texts the next day, like 'Still thinking about last night', keep the heat simmering and set up the next time beautifully.

Good sexual communication isn't one big summit. It's lots of small check-ins. A quick 'did you like that?' after sex, a monthly chat about what's working, a flirty message about something you'd like to try. Regular, low-stakes conversations stop resentment building and keep things playful.

It also includes hearing no gracefully. If your partner isn't into something, say thanks for being honest and move on. Pushing, sulking or asking again and again makes them less likely to share anything next time. A no to one act is not a no to you.

If you keep hitting the same wall, or talking about sex keeps turning into arguments, a psychosexual therapist can help. Learning how to talk about sex with your partner sometimes needs a neutral third person in the room, and that's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Even with good intentions, a few habits reliably kill the mood and make your partner defensive. Avoid these and the conversation stays open and sexy:

• Raising it during or straight after sex
• Comparing your partner to an ex
• Saving everything up for one huge talk
• Treating a no as a negotiation
• Joking to cover nerves until the point gets lost

Fix any of these and you'll notice the difference fast. The aim is to make sex talk feel safe enough that you both actually look forward to it. When you can talk about sex with your partner easily, the sex itself almost always gets better.