The missionary position, made way hotter

The missionary position is the one almost everyone tries first. One partner lies on their back, knees bent or legs open, and the other lies on top facing them, holding their weight on forearms or hands. Chests touch, hips line up and your faces are close enough to kiss, whisper and watch each other get turned on. Simple? Yes. Boring? Only if you let it be.

It isn't just for a man on top of a woman. It works with a strap-on, between two men, between two women grinding together, or for any couple who love the feel of a whole body pressed against theirs. The shape stays the same. What changes everything is the angle, the rhythm and how much attention you pay to the person underneath you.

Because you don't have to think about where your limbs go, missionary frees your brain up for the good stuff: eye contact, dirty talk, slow kisses on the neck. That's why so many people come back to it after trying every acrobatic move in the book. It feels close, it feels safe, and with a bit of know-how it feels seriously hot.

The popular story says Christian missionaries taught it to people in the Pacific as the only proper way to have sex. It's a great tale, but historians think it's mostly myth. The phrase seems to have spread after Alfred Kinsey's 1948 report on male sexuality, which muddled an older anthropology source about the Trobriand Islands, and the missionary position name simply stuck.

Whatever the origin, the face-to-face position itself is ancient. It turns up in art from many cultures and centuries, long before anyone gave it a label. People have always liked having sex while looking at each other, and that hasn't changed. So if anyone tells you it's vanilla or old-fashioned, remind them it has lasted thousands of years for a reason: it works.

What matters more than history is how you use it. The missionary position is a blank canvas: the same basic shape can be slow and loving one night, then deep, sweaty and urgent the next. Once you stop thinking of it as the default and start treating it as a choice, it gets a lot more exciting.

Getting into the missionary position takes seconds, but a little care at the start makes the whole thing feel better. Here's the basic setup:

• Lie back with your knees bent and feet flat on the bed, or let your legs fall open.
• Your partner kneels between your thighs, then lowers down on top, weight on their forearms or hands.
• Use plenty of lube and guide them in by hand, so nobody has to fumble.
• Start slow and shallow, then build depth and speed together.
• Keep kissing, touching and talking the whole time.

The partner on top should keep most of their weight off the chest of the person underneath. Resting on forearms brings you closer for kissing, while straight arms give you more room to look down and more freedom to move your hips. Swap between the two and see which one makes your partner moan louder.

Small tweaks make a huge difference here. The easiest is a pillow. Slide a firm cushion or folded towel under the receiving partner's hips and the pelvis tilts up, which changes the angle of entry and lets the penis or toy press against the front wall of the vagina. Lots of women say this makes the same old position feel brand new.

Next, play with her legs. Knees pulled up towards the chest give deeper penetration. Legs wrapped around his waist pull you tighter together and let her control the pace a little. Legs flat and close together create a snug, tight feeling and more friction against the clit. Each one is still technically missionary, but they feel completely different.

Finally, slow down. The urge to pound away is strong, but long, slow strokes and pauses build far more tension. Stop when you're deep, hold still for a few seconds, kiss, then start again. Teasing like this makes both of you hornier and helps the partner on top last longer too.

The biggest upgrade is switching from thrusting to grinding. Instead of pulling in and out, the top partner stays deep and rocks their pelvis in small circles or up and down. That keeps steady pressure on the clit, which is where most women's orgasms actually come from, and it feels intense for the penis too.

Use your hands. The person underneath can grab their partner's bum and pull them in to set the rhythm they want. The top partner can lean on one arm and slip a hand between your bodies to stroke the clit, or reach up to play with nipples. Even a hand on the cheek or tangled in the hair turns up the intimacy.

And talk. Missionary puts your mouths right next to each other's ears, so use that. Tell your partner what feels good, ask if they want it deeper or slower, whisper exactly what you're going to do next. A bit of dirty talk is one of the easiest ways to make the missionary position feel hot rather than routine.

The coital alignment technique, often shortened to CAT, is a tweak on the missionary position that keeps the clit in constant contact with your partner's body. Psychotherapist Edward Eichel described it in the late 1980s, and small studies since have suggested it can make orgasm during penetrative sex more likely for women. It takes practice, but it's well worth learning.

To try it, the top partner slides their body up a couple of inches higher than usual, so their pelvis sits above hers and the base of the penis presses against the clit. Instead of thrusting in and out, you rock together: she pushes up, he pushes down, in a slow, steady rhythm. Think grinding, not pounding.

It feels strange at first because the penetration is shallower and the movement is small. Stick with it for a few minutes. Many couples find the steady rubbing builds to a deep, full-body orgasm that the usual in-and-out never gets close to. Add lube, keep your bodies pressed together and don't rush.

It can be brilliant for her, but only if you set it up right. Most women don't come from penetration alone. They need clitoral stimulation, and basic missionary with lots of thrusting often misses the clit entirely. That's not her body being difficult, it's anatomy, and it's an easy fix once you know.

The best missionary position for her combines three things: a pillow under the hips, grinding instead of thrusting, and something touching the clit. That might be your pubic bone, your fingers, her own fingers or a small vibrator held between you. Bullet vibes fit nicely here and turn missionary into a proper orgasm machine.

Let her take some control too. She can wrap her legs around you and pull you in, tilt her hips to find the angle she likes, or tell you exactly when to slow down. When she's steering, she's more relaxed, more turned on and far more likely to come. Ask, listen and follow her lead.

Once you've got the basics, try these missionary variations. Each one takes seconds to switch into, so you can move through several in one session:

• Legs on shoulders: she rests her ankles on his shoulders for deep, intense penetration. Go slowly, as it can bump the cervix.
• Edge of the bed: she lies with her hips at the edge while he stands or kneels, giving him great leverage.
• Legs closed: she keeps her thighs pressed together for a tighter feel and more clit friction.
• Knees up: she hugs her knees to her chest, opening the angle for deeper strokes.
• Kneeling missionary: he kneels upright and lifts her hips onto his thighs, freeing his hands to touch her.

Mix them up. Start in classic missionary, move into legs closed for extra friction, then finish with the coital alignment technique if she's close. Changing angle every few minutes keeps the sensations fresh and stops either of you going on autopilot. It also gives the partner on top a natural moment to pause and last longer.

Missionary is perfect for beginners, new partners and anyone who wants sex to feel close and connected. It needs no flexibility, very little stamina from the person underneath and no special furniture. It's also a lovely choice when you want slow, romantic sex, or when you're both tired but still horny.

It can be harder if the top partner has weak wrists, a sore back or shoulder problems, because they carry their own weight. Resting on forearms, lowering onto a pile of pillows or switching to kneeling missionary helps a lot. Big height differences can make kissing tricky too, so the shorter partner may want to slide up the bed.

In later pregnancy, lying flat on your back for long can feel uncomfortable and make some people lightheaded, so side-by-side positions like spooning often work better. If you have pain during sex in any position, see a GP or sexual health clinic rather than putting up with it.

Crushing your partner is the classic one. Keep your weight on your forearms or knees, not their ribcage. If you're getting tired, roll to one side for a moment or swap into a position where they're on top. Nobody enjoys trying to breathe under a full body weight.

Going too hard too fast is another. Pounding from the first second skips all the build-up, and it can hurt. Warm up with plenty of foreplay, use more lube than you think you need and start slowly. If anything hurts, stop and change the angle. Pain is a signal, not something to push through.

The last mistake is forgetting the rest of the body. The missionary position gives you access to lips, neck, ears, nipples and hair, so use them. Kiss, bite gently, stroke, whisper. Turn missionary into a full-body experience and you'll wonder how you ever thought it was dull. Then do it again tomorrow, just a little differently.